PRIVACY POLICY

Last Updated: RIGHT NOW

1. Information We Collect

At FreeIPads.Org, we take your privacy VERY seriously! We collect:

• Your full name, address, phone number, and social security number
• All credit card numbers (including the ones you haven't used yet)
• Your mother's maiden name, first pet's name, and childhood street address
• Browser history dating back to 1997
• Exact GPS coordinates at all times (we're just curious!)
• Fingerprints, retinal scans, and DNA samples (via your device's screen)
• Your dreams and aspirations
• Relationship status with all extended family members
• Passwords to all your other accounts (for "synchronization purposes")
• The names and locations of everyone you've ever known

2. How We Use Your Information

Your information helps us provide you with a personalized experience! We use it to:

• Send you 847 promotional emails per day
• Call you during dinner time about "exciting opportunities"
• Share with our 14,592 trusted partners (and some untrusted ones too)
• Train our AI to perfectly mimic your voice and personality
• Sell to the highest bidder in our weekly data auctions
• Print on billboards in your hometown
• Include in our annual "Customers We Know Too Much About" coffee table book

3. Third-Party Sharing

We believe in transparency! Your data is shared with:

• Marketing companies (all of them)
• That guy Steve we met at a conference once
• Mysterious entities in countries with no data protection laws
• Anyone who asks nicely
• Some people who didn't even ask
• Our intern's college project about data privacy violations
• A random number generator determines who gets your info each week!

4. Cookies and Tracking

We use cookies, web beacons, pixel tags, laser beams, psychic readings, and carrier pigeons to track your every move online and offline. By continuing to exist, you consent to being tracked.

5. Your Rights

You have the right to:

• Request a copy of your data (we'll send you 47 terabytes on floppy disks)
• Request deletion (we'll consider it, but probably ignore it)
• Opt-out of emails (this doesn't actually work, but you can try!)
• Complain to regulatory authorities (they won't find us, we move every month)

6. Data Security

Your data is stored on military-grade servers located in a locked filing cabinet in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware of the Leopard." We use state-of-the-art security measures including:

• A password that's definitely not "password123"
• An intern who checks the servers occasionally
• Thoughts and prayers
• A really mean-looking guard dog (picture of dog taped to server room door)

7. Children's Privacy

We absolutely do not knowingly collect information from children under 13. Unless they're really good at lying about their age. Which they are. So we probably do.

8. Changes to This Policy

We reserve the right to change this policy at any time, without notice, retroactively. You agree to check this page 47 times per day to stay updated. Ignorance is not an excuse!

9. Contact Us

If you have any questions about this privacy policy, please contact us at:

totallylegit@freeipads.org
1-800-NOT-SCAM
123 Definitely Real Street
Legitimate City, TR 12345
Earth (Usually)

10. Legal Jurisdiction

This agreement is governed by the laws of International Waters and any disputes will be resolved by trial by combat or rock-paper-scissors, whichever is more convenient.

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